So this is apparently why bottled water has an expiry date

No camera trickery here, this is how these unopened bottles of water, artifacts from 2009, actually look in real life.

It seems that the slow-motion time portal under my stairs distorts plastic bottles as they age. The glass jars, light-bulb, etc. don’t seem as vulnerable to this side-effect of the portal but they are susceptible to the effect of gravity when falling off the shelf, often with horrifying and tragic results.